Party Poopers
by Me
Summary: Response to konarciq's Inexplicably and Unmentioned AWOL Challenge, TV ep. without Hogan. Prisoners must stop rich Nazis from funding parties elsewhere, avoiding Hochstetter while Carter bombastically investigates himself


A/N: This is a response to konarciq's challenge of a HH episode without Hogan or without Klink there or even mentioned. I have a diversion in the teaser that could imply Hogan's gone for another reason. However, it's not said that's the reason as Hogan's never mentioned. The only other connection to Hogan is that if this had aired, it would be presumed that Hogan provided Klink with the American cultural tidbits. Of course, being an episode, things aren't as fleshed out as in a long story.

Sorry if the length is a bit off. I think I've got the length right, counting ads, but it's tricky proofreading by reading mostly dialogue, plus gauging it with fewer ads than today. (I know a good "Full House" one, at 22 minutes, is a certain number of lines/words and increased by about a tenth.)

Party Poopers

Corporals Peter Newkirk and Louis LeBeau sat at a table playing cards in Barracks 2 of Stalag 13, a camp where the prisoners ran a secret Underground operation. Sergeant James Kinchloe walked over from a tunnel entrance that quickly became a normal bunk again.

Kinch, as he was known, put a paper in his pocket and said, "London's concerned about neo-Nazi parties after the war. They say some rich Germans might be meeting in the area to discuss how to finance them."

Sergeant Andrew Carter wandered from the window; he'd been watching to make sure no Germans appeared while Kinch was in the tunnel below their barracks. As he sat and Newkirk dealt him into their game, Carter spoke of the rotund sergeant of the guard, Hans Schultz. "Say, didn't Schultz own a big toy company?"

French Corporal Louis LeBeau shook his head. "He would never be part of this."

Newkirk concurred. "He don't even act rich; I've seen some real snobs…"

Suddenly, the balding Kommandant, Wilhelm Klink, stepped into the barracks, followed by Schultz. "Gentlemen, guess who is coming to pay us a visit..." Klink noticed the card game. "Ah ha! Gambling! You know that's against regulations!" Klink proclaimed.

"You were right, Newkirk," Kinch told the British corporal.

"Right about what?" Schultz wanted to know.

"Never mind; put them on report," Klink commanded.

"Ha, I was right about Schultz asking that before Klink gave his order," LeBeau shot back.

Newkirk shook his head. "So what, I had Klink's exact words."

"Silence," Klink demanded to no avail.

"But I should get extra credit for Schultz," the Frenchman retorted angrily as he rose.

Suddenly the others started making noise, as if there would be a tussle, as Newkirk hollered, "You still owe me for my wager on Klink at roll call!"

Klink interrupted more loudly this time while also stomping his foot. "Silence! I will not be part of anyone's gambling!"

"Oh, wow," Kinch said in amazement, his eyes growing wide as everyone hushed. The Germans' eyes turned toward him. Once the Germans' eyes were on him, Newkirk quickly scribbled on a piece of paper he held underneath the table. "I don't believe it. Carter, can you believe it?"

"I can't believe it, either. I've seen some amazing things in my day, but this? No, there is no way I could ever believe this," the sometimes verbose Carter began, going straight through Kinch's "stop" sign – a slight movement of his hand, palm down. "I mean, when you look at all the variables, the very idea is just so hard to believe…"

"Andrew, shut up so I can show 'im the thing," Newkirk spouted. He handed Klink the paper he'd written on. "See there?" He pointed to the words as LeBeau walked over to inspect it. "I correctly predicted every word you would say, and even that you'd stomp your foot."

LeBeau uttered something in French in disgust. "You did not say which foot he would stomp. I had the correct foot."

"I had the right foot, too. Or, was it the left foot?" Carter quipped as Klink became more and more perturbed.

"Sorry, I was following the words." Kinch turned to him. "Which foot did you stomp, Kommandant?"

"Oh, never mind; I don't even remember why I came in here!" He stomped out, incredibly frustrated as he often got dealing with these prisoners.

"That time, he stomped both feet," Schultz said before leaving and closing the door.

(commercial)

Moments later, Kinch, Carter, Newkirk, and LeBeau were outside Barracks 2. "London wants us to intercept the money for those groups," Kinch revealed in a near whisper.

"Wonderful; they want us to rob a ruddy bank again," Newkirk spouted sarcastically

"Not like that; if we can get names and secret account information, they can close them down," Kinch explained.

"Maybe he knows," Carter said as a car pulled up. "That car looks fancy."

The POWs watched as a very finely dressed man got out. "Not military, that's for sure," LeBeau added as they watched the man shake hands with Schultz.

"He seems to know Schultz pretty well," Newkirk muttered as the man was introduced to Klink.

"They're going inside; we better get the coffeepot on," Kinch remarked.

Soon, the men were seated around a coffeepot that was actually a device for listening in on conversations in Klink's office.

"He inherited the Schatzi toy company," the rich gentleman was saying to Klink, "but it still grew under his tenure, because he was a very able administrator, very good at knowing whom to hire and what children would want. I presume he helps you a lot in running your camp."

"Not exactly. The Americans had a term in their Civil War… a political general, I believe. Such men were made generals to please a certain party. They were good at administration, but could be total dumbkopfs at military matters."

"I see," the man stated, looking critically at Klink.

Klink mistook the look for one of distrust of him for putting down a friend. Klink much preferred to butter up the wealthy man. "Herr Schlagel, I assure you I mean no disrespect toward your friend. I am certain that he was a fabulous businessman, and he does keep the prisoners in line. I'm sure you know there is a great deal of difference between business and the military, and in fact I would be willing to come alongside you as a partner…"

"Leave it to Klink to butter up anyone he can," Newkirk said back in the barracks.

LeBeau nodded. "Oui; with the war going so badly for the Germans, he will try to butter up the rich for after the war."

So, in conclusion," Klink droned onward, "I believe that much can be said about the business prowess of men like yourself." Schlagel appeared to have a headache. He feared the conclusion would be as long as the monologue until Klink finished. "I believe it was the American Mark Twain who said, 'Never attribute to malice what can be blamed on incompetence.'"

Schlagel looked him in the eye and deadpanned, "Yes, Klink, and from all I have heard about you from others, I am certain malice is not to blame."

Klink began to thank him as the POWs laughed. "I think he's got plenty of malice, but anyone who insults Klink is fine by me," Newkirk said.

Kinch interrupted them. "Hold it, this might be important."

"…He is, after all, a Social Democrat," Schlagel informed Klink. "Now, as you say, it may be incompetence; you have that in your favor, too."

"But, I run the toughest POW camp in all of Germany; there has never been one successful escape."

"And, you convinced me that Hans was incompetent; surely you can be, too." The prisoners chuckled as they imagined Klink's look and as Schlagel continued. "But, is he loyal? With the war appearing lost more each day, the Fuhrer is intent on testing all loyalty." He called Schultz, who came into the office.

"Friend or foe?" LeBeau asked.

"Tough to say; could be warning or testing him," Kinch replied.

"Hans, tell me, do you love Hitler?" Schlagel asked.

"That's an easy question to avoid. He can just say, 'I love my wife, I'd never kiss the Fuhrer,'" Carter suggested.

Newkirk hit him with his cap and said, "Will you be quiet" before Kinch shushed them.

Meanwhile, Schultz was stammering. He finally said, "I love my wife." He chuckled a bit as he said, "I would never kiss the Fuhrer."

"Who's laughing now?" Carter asked Newkirk, who rolled his eyes.

"There is a meeting of wealthy men tonight at seven at the Hauserhof. We intend to export our ideology so it will survive if we do not," Schagel explained. "The Fuhrer was irate at the implication that the war could be lost. However, he allowed us to do it under the guise of undermining the Allies. I understand that you were a Social Democrat before the war, Hans. However, providing some money for your friends is the least you could do."

"I will have to think about it," Schultz said.

Back in the barracks, LeBeau said, "Sounds like this Schlagel at least knows they're losing."

"I don't get it, though," Carter said as Kinch put the coffee pot away. "If he knows Schultz was with a different party, why ask him?"

'He could be pressuring Schultz," Kinch opined. "Remember that comment about loyalty?" The others nodded. "Maybe he knows something about Schultz. He might be intending to blackmail him. Or, he could be warning him of what could happen if he doesn't, just as a friend."

"What would he know about Schultz? He doesn't seem capable of taking a side on anything," Newkirk asked.

"Let's find out if there is anything," Kinch said.

Later that day, Schultz came into the barracks. "Baker said you wanted to see me?"

"Yeah, have a seat, Schultz," Kinch said, pulling out a chair for him before sitting himself. "How's your toy company?"

"Right now, it is making war products. I cannot say what," Schultz said.

Carter patted him on the back and spoke in a very friendly manner. "I'll bet you can't wait to get back to your family and start making toys again. Can you start it back up right away?"

"Are you all looking for jobs?"

Kinch shrugged. "Can't hurt to ask. You made a lot of money with it, huh?"

"Ja, and… would you believe me if I said my wife spent it all?"

"Oui; I have known women like that," LeBeau said.

"You'll have to forgive him, being French he's met women of every kind," Newkirk quipped.

"If it was the largest toy company in Germany before the war, I'd think you'd have a lot of money stored somewhere," Carter said, scratching his head.

"Carter, when you are married, you will learn that while you rule the roost, at times someone else rules the rooster," Schultz said with a smirk. "I think of Gretchen during bayonet practice, because she is very sharp, with her mind and with her tongue. Besides, money matters are personal."

"I guess you're right," Kinch said; he figured he wouldn't get anything else out of him. "One of the other guards said that man who came was a rich friend of yours."

"Is there a meeting? I'd love to hear how the really rich live; where I'm from they never came near you unless they wanted to spit on you," Newkirk complained.

Schultz rose. "They are not all like me; some are very snobby or would not welcome foreigners. If any of you want a job, I will try to find something. I will need help. But, I will not give your names to the others." He left.

"Sounds like he's going," LeBeau remarked. "I hope the Gestapo doesn't show up."

"If Schultz has a pass, it'd be natural for him to go into town," Kinch said matter-of-factly.

"Hey, if we're the Gestapo it wouldn't be a problem," Carter noted.

"You've got a point," Kinch said. "You and Newkirk go there as Gestapo; high ranking, just in case," Kinch advised. "You can interrogate, but be ready - it's too hard to tell what's going to happen – or who's going to show up. If it's Hochstetter, just say you asked him to look for a prisoner."

Later that evening. Schultz was talking with Schlagel and a few other rich men at the Hauserhof "It has been good to see you again, Frederick," Schultz told Schlagel.

"I know you never liked all of the fancy parties; being a toymaker, I see how your time with your children helped you to understand your customers," Schlagel said. "But, this investment would be very important. We all stashed away money in secret accounts for the purpose of continuing the party's aims in other countries. You have not as of yet."

"I am a Social Democrat; why would I give money like that?" Schultz reminded him.

"Even if the Allies win, there are some who could attempt to damage your chances of ever rebuilding your company," Schlagel explained.

As Schultz began, "Well…" Gestapo Major Wolfgang Hochstetter and a couple of his men walked in at the same time.

"Everyone freeze!" Hochstetter screamed.

(Commercial break)

"What is the meaning of this?" one of the wealthy men asked as Carter and Newkirk, who were also dressed as Gestapo, walked in.

"I am launching an investigation; why are you all hiding these secret accounts when they could be spent on the war…" He looked at Carter and Newkirk. "Who are you?"

"Major Alburt Schneider, Hamburg Gestapo," Carter said, showing his papers, "and this is Major Ernst Mueller of Munich Gestapo." Newkirk showed his papers. "It appears that we are on the same path, Major Hochstetter."

Hochstetter was shocked that people would come from that far away; and yet, considering the distances some of these wealthy industrialists had travelled, it wasn't implausible. "Ja, it would appear so. The Gestapo, of course, is always interested in such a gathering. But, with Sergeant Schultz here, an extra thorough investigation is warranted considering the extreme Underground activity in and around Stalag 13…"

"Ach, that Klink," Newkirk complained, putting a hand over his heart. "I get heartburn just thinking of him."

Carter distracted Hochstetter while Newkirk walked around picking pockets. "Ja, there is a lot of Underground activity, so we will begin the questioning now!"

"Well, this is my jurisdiction,…" Hochstetter hedged, wary of others muscling in on it.

As it turned out, that was the least of his worries. Carter began shouting even before Hochstetter finished the word "and." "We will begin with you," he stormed. "Tell me quickly, Hochstetter, have you stopped plotting to kill the Fuhrer?"

"I never…"

"So, you are continuing to plot to kill the Fuhrer!"

Hochstetter wished he'd thought of this loaded question himself, but now he had to defend himself. He stammered, "No, I…"

Carter was right in Hochstetter's face now, his mustache, glasses, and fake scar hiding his real identity. "So, you have stopped plotting to kill the Fuhrer? What about Himmler?"

"No, you misunderstand, I…"

"Why did you commit such treason before when you plotted to kill the Fuhrer?"

"I have never plotted to kill the Fuhrer…"

"So it was only Himmler you plotted to kill!"

"No, I…"

"So, is it Himmler or the Fuhrer you are plotting to kill?" Carter screamed, flailing his arms as if he were being attacked by bees.

While Carter gave Hochstetter a tongue-lashing and prevented him from defending himself, Newkirk sidled up to each of the wealthy men and asked a couple questions while picking their pockets; all eyes were on Carter's tirade.

Finally, he sidled up to Schultz. "Better run; we'll say you were chasing a prisoner from another camp; here's a clue." He placed something into the German's pocket and patted it.

"Danke." Schultz began to rush out the door. Once outside, he said, "Newkirk? Mmmm, I see nothing," and continued hurriedly to his car. He was unaware that Schlagel saw him leaving and felt for his keys. When Schlagel didn't find them, he snuck into Schultz's back seat.

Newkirk stepped back inside and gave Carter an OK sign once Schultz left.

"…And we were also on the trail of an escaped prisoner, and had enlisted that fat dumbkopf's help, and you could have let our prisoner get away! But I promise, we will catch him, and then have you shot for treason. Up against the wall; you, too," he commanded the guards. Once the three men were against the wall, they were struck with enough force to knock them out for enough time to get away.

They drove back to Stalag 13, arriving soon after Schultz had. It was before lights were to be turned out, and Kinch and LeBeau were in the compound to see the Germans.

Klink joined them. "Schultz, what are you doing back so…?" He noticed Schlagel getting out of Schultz' back seat. "Ah, Herr Schlagel, so nice to see you. Have you considered my offer of a partnership?" Klink asked.

"Only with someone other than you," Schlagel spouted.

"What were you doing in my car?" Schultz asked.

Schlagel felt around. "I misplaced my keys; and seem to have misplaced my papers," Schlagel said. "I had to get out of there, though; three Gestapo majors showed up."

LeBeau whispered, "I bet Peter got several papers."

"Yeah, but I bet any money the third's Hochstetter." Kinch said worriedly. He was pensive for a moment, and then motioned LeBeau forward. They approached the Germans. "Kommandant, finding work for after the war?"

"That is none of your business."

"Ask Schultz, we were asking him about jobs ourselves. Right?" Kinch asked. Schultz nodded as Kinch turned to Schlagel. "Too bad you couldn't stay for one of the kommandant's parties this evening."

Schlagel asked, "Are all of your prisoners so forward?"

"Oh, they are cowed, believe me," Klink said.

"He's got us looking for jobs in Germany," Kinch fibbed.

Carter and Newkirk approached in their Gestapo uniforms; they'd driven through the front gate, planning to put the car back into the motor pool soon while others were distracted. Now, they approached the small gathering.

"Is that fool Hochstetter here?" Carter asked gruffly.

"Uh, no… who are you?" Klink asked.

Carter glared at Klink. "Incompetent fool!" he shouted as Newkirk flashed their papers toward Klink. Carter noticed Schlagel. "You were at that meeting."

"Too bad, or the Kommandant would have served him dinner. We don't know what their next plans are, though." Kinch silently signaled Carter as he finished.

"We shall learn everything. Klink, I am taking a cell in your cooler," Carter proclaimed.

Klink tried very weakly to stop the faux Gestapo. "But, you…"

"Unless you would prefer it be two, one for his interrogation and one for you!"

Klink pointed to it and said, "My cooler is your cooler."

Kinch and LeBeau were up with a few other men in Barracks 2. "I hope they're getting good info; they need to be back in case Schultz comes to see if our lights are out," Kinch noted.

"They will make it," LeBeau said confidently.

A prisoner looked way from the window. "Here comes Hochstetter."

"Now what do we do?" LeBeau asked worriedly.

"He's going toward Klink's office first," the POW said.

"Go in through the cooler entrance and warn them; be careful," Kinch instructed.

Hochstetter was in Klink's office. "Did you or did you not give Sergeant Schultz an evening pass into town?" the major bellowed.

"Yes; Herr Schlagel said…"

"Oh, so a wealthy German who is keeping money away from the war effort is ordering you around? What did he offer you?" Hochstetter asked, slamming his gloves onto the desk.

Klink tried to explain. "Herr Major, he was attempting to start party movements in other countries for after the war."

"Bah, everyone's mind must be on victory now!"

"That is true, Herr Major,' Schultz said, pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket. "I was fighting it by helping two Gestapo men find a prisoner."

Hochstetter took the paper. "It appears to be from a POW camp miles from here," he muttered. They had made sure to make it one from which they'd recently processed escapees back to England. Hochstetter studied the paper as he said this, then barked at Klink. "Where is he?"

"He is in the cooler; two Gestapo agents are interrogating him," Klink explained.

"I see." Hochstetter put his gloves back and said, "There was a misunderstanding earlier, but perhaps now we can co-operate."

"Oh, by all means, I am always willing to co-operate," Klink said.

"I was talking about them; I have given up on you," Hochstetter said venomously.

Newkirk held a pen and note pad which he'd gotten with from the tunnel. He'd parked the car in the motor pool, then entered the tunnel system before returning to join Carter in interrogating Schlagel. Carter had held a flashlight when he had to write. At other times he flashed it in Schlagel's eyes with no warning, as he was doing now.

"I believe we have all we need," Carter shouted, "but if you are off by one number, we will deal with you as harshly as we do with that treasonous Hochstetter!"

Newkirk whispered as Carter walked up to him. "We got a gold mine. Bank information, names, possible account number, even where it's headed."

"Yeah, London's gonna…" Carter whispered as they heard someone making strange hacking noises. "Wass ist los," Carter asked angrily.

"It sounds like another prisoner," Schlagel offered as Newkirk exited the cell, followed by Carter, locking Schlagel in behind them. They noticed LeBeau had been making the hacking sounds.

"Louis," Newkirk whispered as they approached LeBeau hacking and making "hoch" sounds with his throat, "you got a whole family of frogs in your throat or somethin'?"

"No, I was trying to get you to hear 'Hoch' – Hochstetter's here. Hurry!" he whispered insistently. They went down through the tunnel entrance in the cell and closed it.

A moment later, Hochstetter barged into the cooler, with Klink and Schultz following. "Well?" The major turned to Corporal Langenscheidt. "Did the other Gestapo men leave?"

"No, Herr Major," Langelscheidt said.

"Where are they, then?" Hochstetter asked rhetorically. He glanced into a few more cells.

Schlagel explained as Hochstetter looked. "They were looking in another cell; a prisoner appeared to have some serious problems. I thought a medic might be needed."

"Herr Major, that is impossible," Klink told the increasingly flustered major, "there were no prisoners in the cooler."

Hochstetter's intense scowl made Klink nervous. The major turned to Langenscheidt and asked. "Is this true, Corporal?"

Langenscheidt was just as perplexed. "Yes, Herr Major; only Herr Schlagel here."

"And, the other Gestapo men disappeared into thin air?" Hochstetter hollered. "Where is your security, Klink?"

"Herr Major… I… I did not know we needed to spy on the Gestapo." Klink stammered.

Hochstetter glared daggers at Klink, finally said, "Bah!" and stormed out to check to see when the car had left.

(Commercial break before the tag)

Hochstetter was in Klink's office a couple days later, with Schultz also present. "So," the major analyzed angrily, "it seems the car disappeared – some say while the Gestapo men were supposedly inside the cooler – and there is no record of them leaving at the front gate."

"That appears to be the case, Herr Major," Klink said.

"Meanwhile, when questioned right afterward, Herr Schlagel claimed there was a prisoner who was never there, and that these Gestapo men interrogated him about their plan while calling me a traitor. Then, hours later, during the night, the Gestapo men somehow reappear and took Herr Schlagel, so I could not continue my investigation the next day!" Having heard that they still called him that, he didn't care as much about meeting up with them as he did Schlagel.

"Ah, Major Hochstetter, this time there was a record of their entering and leaving," Klink pointed out.

"That may be so," Hochstetter said, seething. "And they were, from the description, the same men I encountered that evening. However, I called and those cities had no men here, and they also did not have Herr Schlagel!" Hochstetter complained loudly. "So, I came back to question Herr Schlagel and found he wasn't here! The only thing more ridiculous than this evidence is the complete incompetence of you and your men!" He stormed out of Klink's office, slamming the door.

"At least he didn't blame it on malice," Schultz pointed out.

Klink felt drained by Hochstetter's tirade. "Oh, who cares; I'm just glad that he's gone. Diiis-missed!"

"London loved the stuff we gave them, huh, Kinch?" Carter asked as he, Newkirk, LeBeau, and Kinch stood outside the barracks.

"They're getting all the money themselves now," Kinch related.

"I'm glad we won't have to worry about Nazis coming into power anywhere else," Newkirk said. "It's gonna be hard enough gettin' rid of what they did here."

"I'm glad if he was a threat we got that guy to London. I mean, Schultz is a nice guy,' Carter said.

"It wasn't just that; if Hochstetter interrogates him, with you three having to appear and disappear, there was a small danger of him putting two and two together. Plus, London might be able to get Schlagel to co-operate for favors; from your interrogation he sounds like the kind who looks out for himself first," Kinch said.

"Oui, and his friends. It turns out he was trying to warn Schultz. Except now we'll know who could try to stop him. Oh, here he comes now. Hey, Schultz," LeBeau said as the guard walked up to him.

Newkirk kidded him. "Say, we figured out where all your money went; you spent it on food; especially strudel."

"You are a jolly joker," Schultz said.

"So, what happened to your rich friend?" LeBeau asked.

Schultz began in a melancholy tone, but his eyes bulged as he paused. "They said the Gestapo who were interrogating him in the cooler came back and…" He paused. "Wait a minute…" He realized that one of them had been Newkirk, and guessed that the other may have been Carter. Suddenly, he turned and looked inquisitively at the two prisoners.

"Sometimes, it's best not to know what Gestapo do," Newkirk replied with a grin that told Schultz they had taken care of it in a kinder manner than the Gestapo would.

Schultz agreed. "I suppose you are right," he said. "It is better to just know nothing!"

(A/N: It seemed odd to not have Hochstetter blame Hogan, but without Hogan making himself known, it does seem that our bellowing major can only blame Klink's incompetence. Getting a person out of Germany, while not always done, eliminates the need for Hogan to come up with a story, and also, given the way Hochstetter was berated, it's understandable that he would back down.

This was a fun challenge, though I'm not active otherwise in the fandom anymore I did want to tackle something the size of an actual episode. I'm sure in a world where this airs, that unvierse's forum would have plenty of speculation. But, most could have happened one of the two evenings that Hogan is in London during a teaser; "D-Day at Stalag 13" and the one where he's shown a picture of a woman they're after; that's the only part I remember about the second. Or, maybe he just had the flu :-).)


End file.
